old year's evolutions

I was in the process of making my super-simple new year's resolutions list, or as I like to call it "master plan v.K27" - ha!, when I realized that I hadn't taken stock of what I'd accomplished in a while. basically I realized this because I was answering an email to a friend and bragging about how proud I was that I'd kept my 2007 resolution (yes, I had one (and no, I never usually even have one)) about 95% of the time.

in case any of you were wondering, and because I only told ansel and maybe three others what that resolution was: I resolved to brush my teeth before bed after nights of heavy drinking. I know, mildy gross, right? but admit it, you get drunk, you barely remember to throw your keys somewhere you'll find them in the morning or grab a glass of water to help ease the coming hangover - I bet you don't remember to brush your teeth either. anyway, I figure that's how my teeth got so bad in college, and I figured that was the best way to combat even more damage was to make a promise to myself. here I am, a year later - probably just holding off the cavaties I already had, but at least I did something about it. and I can say that I did it all year.

I think we forget, with all of the excitement of holidays and family and food and new electronics and... I could go on, to actually review what we've done with our year. to me, if you can remember those things, and be proud of yourself for them, you should be allowed to celebrate those before having to come up with another list of things you "need to improve" about your life. so briefly, before I present my list of new year's resolutions, I give to you my old year's evolutions, and hope that you take a moment to do the same:

• I brushed my teeth.
• I ended a relationship that was bad for both of us.
• I ended a friendship that was bad for both of us (and for other people, too).
• I quit a job without one lined up. and I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I needed to and I fully enjoy my new ones.
• I actually made and kept a few medical appointments!
• I started dressing less like a poor grad student... and more like a rich one.
• I painted things.
• I traveled.
• I stood up for myself and for other people.
• I learned how not to freak out in situations that used to freak me out immensely.
• I moved.
• I started paying all of my bills on time.
• I accessorized.
• I wrote letters and actually called people back!
• I found a few people I'd been missing.
• I made new friends and had new conversations that were more than well-worth-having.
• and most importantly, I started accepting things just as they are. not that I don't want to live by my favorite number on the lifelist and make things better, but I realized that sometimes just by being present, I'm making something better. I don't have to be active constantly, or try so hard, and get so invested; I just have to contribute cleverly and constructively to the world as it is.

yes, 2007 was a good year for this girl and though, during the sad parts, during the frustrating parts, I was ready to be done, the thought of making my life better (paired with the ironic chorus of one of my favorite songs this year, by the mountain goats, "this year"), kept me going. and I think that my personal evolution has been revolutionary.

sigh... a long night of silliness is hopefully ahead... resolutions to come. happy 2008, all.

in terms of relationships

to know me is to know my frustration with online-friend-sites. I adore them for the ability to spy on people and to express myself, I abhor them for their impersonal nature and the way they seem to destroy actual interaction. but lately, I really despise them for the way they make you put everything into neat little check-boxes and drop-down menus.

such automatic categories are extremely convenient for those who chose to spy on you. one can immediately read that you are a capricorn who loves kids or a gemini with classic addictions. I guess these options are "leftovers" from the days when online dating sites and online friend sites were more or less the same thing. and while they have their use in ease of comparison of someone's basic information, I think that they leave little allowance for creativity... or truth.

what if, creators of facebook, I'm just dating someone? and what if, as was the case in november, I was dating someone but had a thing for someone else completely? what if I wanted to share that with the world?? how does that fit into your five relationship categories? I mean, why do I still have to remain single... or use the "it's complicated" option, and make it sound like I'm manifesting some kind of drama... when neither is correct?

I have my moments of wanting to get something like that out, of allowing the truth of situations to be known without having to explain myself to someone, of simply checking a box that makes someone understand exactly what's wrong and what I need from them. but the minute I post a true feeling in such a place, I immediately delete it or rephrase it vaguely, because I can't stand the thought of someone knowing me all that well without actually talking to me.

I think that most people want to be known. people want to express themselves, to feel original yet not alone; the popularity of online friend/dating/etc sites proves this. but after a few good conversations with crank and hours of internal debate, I think that such sites, and constantly having 164 'friends,' instantly seeing new information about them, and easily 'knowing' someone so quickly (and without even trying) is creating a serious gap in the way we carry out real relationships. I feel more noticed, less alone, and frankly simply better with the state of my mental health when the majority of my interactions are face-to-face, hand-written, or via real mail - because I know that the other person and I have actually invested more than a few twitches of our right index finger in the moment. and I know that the amount of genuine interest and reciprocity, the amount that someone is present in the moment that we share, that that is what I truly seek in making myself feel better, feel less alone, feel loved.

for that reason, today's blog is dedicated to my current favorite person... crank. thanks for always being present.

and, for that reason, today's blog is also a challenge to me and to all of you: let's do more with each other next year, not just write on each other's walls and in texts that "we should catch up." because you cannot fight loneliness through the internet, no matter what someone tries to sell you (or what hot little apple product you do it with).

***

and yes, it's christmas eve. and yes, I'm at work at wash u (though I was just told, at 1p, that I could go home). and no, I don't get to go to michigan, I won't see my mom and brother on christmas morning for the first time in my life. and yes, I'm crying about that. I may have no sacred space for holidays (not after the year of breaking up with and being broken up with on two major ones), but I do love tradition. and the genuineness of christmas morning chaos with my family.

no matter, because tomorrow I will wake up to my other current favorite person, nick. and between him, crank, and the other people I've actually been interacting with, I can't help but feel exactly as stated above: better. less alone. loved.

happy christmas to me.

blocked

the problem with creating a blog and telling people about it, and with having access to a computer everyday, is that there is then the expectation for you to write something once in a while. this is not an easy task.

it is easy for me to write when I finally... just write. do I feel bad when there is no point to what I'm saying? yes, which makes me not want to just write. in fact, I usually look down upon people who post blogs or bulletins or comments that have absolutely no point whatsoever except to alleviate their own boredom. so when I "just write," I have a tendency to edit and save until I have a point; then I can publish or post without fear that someone will look down on me the way I do on their ridiculous pontifications regarding nothing.

I know myself, I know my patterns. I know that when I am too busy, when I am giving all of my attention to something else completely, I allow myself to be content with doing nothing in other areas of life. this is not uncommon. in fact, I think it's fairly universally known that once something goes X way, something else in your life is bound to go Y way. it's life's more-equal and more-consistent version of checks & balances.

I digress.

knowing my patterns, and knowing the events of the five weeks I've been through since my last post, it is perfectly clear to me why I haven't written anything: I don't have time to edit my writing when I'm too busy editing the sad parts of my life.

I am grateful to you, dear readers and friends, for listening to my silence, and understanding its meaning as no reflection on my feelings for you or for writing but on my general state of mind, and for filling the space with more of your presence in my life.

just like burnt cigarettes

I am convinced that I would not have made it through october without coffee. in reading an old national geographic article one sunny august morning - hungover, sitting on mikey's front porch, perfect conditions for craving my caffeinated beverage of choice - I was both relieved and saddened to learn that I am among the caffeine-dependent, and that this physiological reaction is quite normal and even necessary for some people to function at certain levels. yes, without caffeine I would have been slower to move, faster to sleep, and probably quicker to injure myself and others along the way. coffee made me invincible to most of life's little energy drains, acted as a daily treat, and was a welcome friend in my morning routine. I functioned extremely well through the use of coffee throughout october, but I wonder: did I live?

I walk down my street now and think, when did all of these leaves turn colors? when did long sleeves become a must? the answer comes when I realize that I just lost an entire month of my life staring at a computer in a basement office or at customers and money behind a register. thanks to my friend coffee, I could function at these things. thanks to my friend coffee, I kept a smile on my face while doing so. thanks to my friend coffee, I paid my credit card bill, rent, and overdue c-notes quite easily. but alas, coffee is not perfect. my beloved black beverage cannot bring back the month I just lost to working, eating, and sleeping, workingeatingandsleeping.

last week I asked my supervisor at WF if I could reduce my number of shifts per week by one. granted, by WF standards, any amount over 30 hours per week is full-time, and so I continue to have two full-time jobs. I said, "I'm tired;" she said, "I kinda figured you would be by now." it was a simply exchange, but it made me stop and think about what I'd been doing in my everyday life... what I'd been doing to make up for six weeks of sloth, what I'd been doing to re-establish my adult financial status, what I'd been doing to further my future goals.

in looking back at my lifelist, I see my skipped-october as a major literal step forward on one of my goals: I've learned which coffee I like. I brew it everyday, I drink it everyday, I am happy to have found it. regarding the rest of the list, I think I've made small, often latent, steps forward on some of my other points. regardless, I have no choice right now but to accept this, to be glad to have done something to further my list, and to refocus for the rest of the year. and thankfully, I now have another evening a week free to do just that!

(as for the title - just like burnt cigarettes: that's exactly what starbucks coffee tastes like when I brew it at home. tell me, crank, what do you kids do differently in the shop?)

experiential education

part of balancing my hippie and yuppie tendencies comes in the form of a daily internal battle made external: getting dressed.

one morning about two weeks ago, while preparing to look ultimately cute at an early-morning WF meeting and to also look professional for my first crack at hosting an all-day WU event, I opted for a black skirt and a saucy red sweater... and my favorite shoes of late, my black pumps. though I had another skirt-sweater combination picked out, I changed my mind at 1a and was actually much happier with my choice overall.

until I rushed around the medical school campus for four hours the next morning, making copies, moving chairs, and greeting attendees.

for most of the day I longed for the black flip-flops locked up in my car a painful quarter-mile walk away and envied hospital staff as they strolled quickly past in their supply supportive shoes. I walked confidently, barefoot, to my car at five, garnering funny looks from some but smiling knowing that the concrete felt much better than my bandolinos.

one of the other 20-somethings hosting the day's events offered me advice about an hour into our crusades across campus: never wear skirts on the day of an event. always wear comfortable shoes.

even at the end of the day, even with blisters on my big toes and a flash of hate in my heart for my pumps, I didn't want to take that advice. I love skirts, I am confident in them. I love cute shoes, I am confident in them. I can face any cranky customer, disgruntled doctor, or scary supervisor with my lower extremities covered in something I love.

a quick conversation with craig related the whole thing back to experiential education, the theory that people learn about something better through doing - or actually experiencing - that something, rather than being told about that something. experiential ed is completely social work-y, as it empowers people to learn and make decisions about things while being an active participant in them. a person with problem X will not benefit from me telling them that they need to change; they will benefit from trying out different solutions and experiencing how each one works and makes them feel, and weighing the benefits of each solution in their own way.

can I trade a little podiatric health for more confidence? yes. because in my experience, I can still force a smile when I'm limping better than when I think I'm underdressed.

in case you can't tell, experiential education is something about which I am passionate. I think it is universally applicable and understandable, and I would go so far as to say that any person who ever plans to manage/supervise other people should understand the concept of it. I realize that some details about events or life are entirely too important to allow others to screw them up in their learning process. but I also know that the detriment caused to the person's overall development as a confident and productive person outweighs these details more often than not. giving orders is completely different than giving advice; apathy, at least for me, sets in quickly when I am not allowed to be creative, to screw up, and to figure out my own way of doing something. even if that way ends up being exactly the same way as the person who assigned my task, my ownership and confidence, and therefore overall performance, are much greater when I am allowed to experience things firsthand.

my supervisor at my serious job comes from a family of academics; she is organized, highly intelligent and logical, she plans ahead. she is extremely good at what she does. regardless, she needs a serious lesson in experiential education. I have had a rough week of carefully-worded emails, "can we check in?"s, and pressure that was based in someone else's anxieties. I think I have fucked up more because of it, because I have no real concept of what is happening even though I am expected to, because I am working out of someone else's template, because I am not sticking up for my right to just experience. I leave everyday simply ready to go home and let her do my job.

I did stick up for a completely different thing this week: I stuck up for customers with allergies at WF. I was allowed an opportunity to be creative, to make a suggestion, to fumble through the idea, to offer up my experiences to help others. and I was completely rewarded with kind words, guidance, and an offer of new opportunities for growth. apparently part of balancing my hippie and yuppie tendencies also comes in the form of combining the two: using my education to benefit others, no matter who they are, in a way that also benefits me.

and that, while something I've preached up to this point, had yet to sink in at such a level until just now.

a good start

as I seek to become a more open and optimistic person, I am learning that giving people a chance is more of an internal battle than I previously thought. for me, giving people a chance used to be about hoping that they would give me a chance, and shutting them out if I didn’t think they would. when I realized that I could at least control half of the chance-giving equation, my perspective on the whole thing changed. why couldn’t I let people start conversations with me? why can’t I just roll with a social situation and enjoy the simple pleasure of small talk? what do I have to lose by letting my guard down a little and just letting the universe present me with options for entertainment?

who am I to deny someone the chance to show me that they are amazing?

this last thought started forming in my head right about the time I started working at whole foods. as I pushed carts or bagged groceries, tasks that I had previously thought were meant more for high school aged boys, I started to think about my own personal biases. people don’t know me at all, but I wonder how they might be judging me at this very moment. and I wonder how I’m judging them, just from what I see right here, right now. simple thought, nothing too deep, nothing outlandishly original…

that thought grew as I became a cashier and was forced to have more conversations with a steady stream of people. customers, fellow team members, new co-workers, old friends, and random people on the street all have their own set of quirks, of preferences, of things to offer. once I started to realize that I could entertain myself by noticing and celebrating all of these hidden attributes, I started to find ways - bad jokes, questions about products, genuine "how are you's" - to enjoy what could have been a dull or degrading job.

when a fellow team member asked me to go to an event at the botanical gardens with him, I allowed myself to think, why not? he seems nice, I have yet to go to the botanical gardens, and I have nothing to lose by going and getting to know him, even if nothing comes of it. it turns out that I was completely right: while he’s way too young for me to date, he isn’t too young for me to be friends with him, and he’s actually ridiculously creative, sincere, and funny. nothing like a moment of satisfaction after a gamble to make you feel like anything’s possible.

that was just the first of multiple opportunities for me to get to know new people, or new things about people. it seems that the more open I make myself to allowing others to entertain me, the more the universe gives me the chance to allow it, and to allow it in all areas of my life.

I got a phone number from a man yesterday after we spent the morning in jury duty together. he was a chatty sort of guy, willing to talk to almost anyone and genuinely interested in and enthusiastic about their willingness to respond. he was middle-aged, friendly-faced, with forgettable features and a polite manner of speaking. we hadn’t actually talked while stuck in the jurors’ lounge. by coincidence and a fluke in the juror rolls, I had someone I’d known for a few years in the jury pool with me, so I spent the morning talking to my friend. this new guy was never more than a table away from us, and I watched all morning and afternoon as people around us responded or shut him out. after shutting him out myself a few times, I finally gave in when he made a bad joke in the elevator. we ended up talking for the entire five-block walk between the courthouse and the parking garage, and the conversation left me feeling intelligent, interesting, and energized.

in thinking about it today, I realize that he’s a step beyond me – he will go out of his way to start conversations for his own entertainment, whereas I’m just going to enjoy allowing other people to start conversations with me for their own entertainment with an occasional outreaching moment – but I think I’ll get there pretty quickly. I probably won’t call him… really, those odds are pretty safe… but I will think about him from now on when I’m a new social situation. that feeling of being interesting to someone else and being left energized from a new thought is pretty addictive and ultimately very satisfying.

in-sincerity

I love words. I love finding the exact word or phrasing for the feeling(s) I'm trying to express to others. I love that words have multiple meanings; I love words that come from interesting roots; I love that one word can be an entire sentence (best ever, per m. lodge: buffalo). I love that there are people who dedicate themselves to the study of words, whether that dedication is to linguistics or to the two-letter scrabble word lists. we have so many words in the english language, so what's not to love about trying to know or use as many as you can?

when coming up with the perfect phrase to capture my hope for this blog, I started with one thought: that I am a sincere person. I wanted to be able to express that easily, since I know anyone who would read this would soon learn it (if not known already). in recognizing my sincere nature, I know that I cannot fake my feelings, for I have learned over the years that faking feelings or sentiments make me a cranky person. not only that, but my true feelings always show immediately on my face. therefore it has turned out to not be worth my time to fake anything because anyone paying the slightest bit of attention will see right through me.

being sincere doesn't necessarily give way to my own naivety when it comes to others, though it does fill me with a certain amount of hope that others are in fact as sincere as I would want them to be. I expect a certain amount of sincerity and truth to my interactions with other people, and I am prone to maintaining a faith in those two qualities in others during those interactions. does this often make me gullible, and liable to believe people a little too much? yes. does it also allow me to give the benefit of the doubt to most people? yes. however, based on a recent conversation with a friend, I often wonder how many people around me are also as sincere and/or aware of their transparency as I am. I know enough about human nature to know that there are those who are not. can I tell the difference? that has yet to be shown. maybe this friend has just as skewed a view of people as I do, only from the opposite direction, due to a personal amount of pessimism and disbelief in the goodness of others. regardless, I continue to hope that people are being sincere and true to themselves more often than not.

despite my statements above, being sincere also doesn’t necessarily give way to me being entirely truthful all the time. but it does push me into feeling awful when I’m not being truthful, and later issuing only sincere apologies when I get around to it. (for more thoughts on this, see this fantastic psychology today short.) and, it inspires me to try a little harder the next time at front-loading my sincerity instead of having to show it under such awkward circumstances later.

in the end it seems to me that sincerity isn't only about being true to others, it's more about being true to how you actually feel. I think that if more of the world spent more time being true to their own feelings, they would find that being true to, and therefore just being with, others becomes much easier and more enjoyable. so whether something I experience is done in sincerity or with insincerity, whatever gets said about it here will be my own words, my own truth... which I hope will be enjoyable for both of us.

laying down and taking it

last night, while fending off allergies and a sense of claustrophobia during my night shift at WF, I had the misfortune of being told to take over cashiering at the express lane. the express lane faces a wall and is notorious for constant lines and impatient customers on their cell phones seeking change for $100 bills on $14 orders. in short, it's almost a new cashier's nightmare; is it not the environment to put me at my best while working. but I kept working with a smile, hoping for the best, or that one of the cute boys from grocery would slide past and give me a laugh. mid-way through my shift, I rang up a male in his mid-thirties. and after my interaction with this man, all I wanted to do was avoid eye contact and conversation with anyone I didn't know personally for the rest of the night.

this particular gentleman seemed harmless; "normal" looking, quiet, no strange purchases, no odd questions or demands. I told him his total, which I will never forget, and as I wait for him to swipe the credit card he is holding above the counter, he looks directly at me and says, "how would you like it tonight?"

I think, are you kidding? you're holding a credit card, it's a grocery store, you just pay however you can and get out! I say, with restained enthusiasm, "however you'd like to give it to me..." I immediately realize what I've said and sickly regret every syllable.

maybe he won't think what I just thought. maybe he won't even think to take it that way. maybe I'll have a laugh in my head about the childish humor of that statement. maybe he'll just swipe his card and leave.

"oh, ha, um... you know... I mean... in another time, or another situation... that could be... well that would be fun... I mean, it's not like I wouldn't take you up on that offer..."

oh, god, he noticed, oh god, please let this conversation be over. just leave, you fucking creep. avoid eye contact. focus on screen. why won't this fucking thing print any fucking faster. "hit that green button one more time for me, sir." stop fucking smiling at me. look at anything but him. don't pay attention to what he's saying, anything but that.

he's still talking, something about being lonely in his office, he's an engineer, he makes a lot of money, he'd show me a good time, he'd rock my world. hide. just hide. just walk away. find someone, grab someone, please let someone come over and save me, please please please. "I mean, what good is making a hundred thousand a year if you can't have a little fun with it?"

the entire interaction took place over twenty seconds or so. it was quick and awful, but the more awful it became, the longer it seemed to take. I don't even know if I said good-bye to him, thanked him, or wished him well. he didn't deserve it, but I would have done it regardless, and maybe I did subconsciously, but on the inside I was speechless. disgusted and speechless.

it is a well-known fact that I am flirtatious. I have a big smile, wide eyes, and a charming tone. I do not flirt outright with any customer, but I do try to charm them, which can be quite disarming to most people who come through my line. I am generally excited to be making small talk with anyone I encounter, because I figure I might as well entertain myself while I'm there and making other people feel good about purchasing high-priced natural groceries is what I get paid to do. but I do not deserve any such comments, any such set-ups, any such innuendos... such harassment... no matter what I said, no matter what I dressed like, no matter how I smiled.

I'm sure there was an entirely appropriate response for such a situation. something simple, something to put him in his place without embarassing either of us. but I couldn't think straight enough, fast enough, to come up with that response when he was around. in fact, it took me until this morning to figure out that this interaction was the sole reason I had a bad night at work last night. once I finally figured it out, I spoke with a few people, including one of my team leaders, and mapped out exactly what I could do the next time something like this happened.

the reason I'm not proud of myself is this: I forgot to stand up for myself. and what am I about if I'm not standing up for someone or something else? I could recognize the situation as being 'wrong' as it was happening, and I think had I been witnessing this conversation instead of a player in it, I would have known what to do and might have been able to do something about it. I know I've had other similar situations happen to me over the last few years, but I feel like I hadn't learned the sum of all of them until last night.

so, I am not proud of myself today. but I will be in the future. slowly, I know that I will develop the quick-thinking necessary in situations like this one, the quick-thinking I already have for identifying these wrongs when they happen to others, and stand up for myself in the way that I know I should.

ever-evolving lists

this particular blog is dedicated to katie crank. in fact, I may go so far as to say that the entire reason I am even considering keeping an electronically written record of my life is due to crankster. and so, in the spirit of the person who makes me laugh, question, think, and crave for more conversation...

I am a list-maker: bullet points and strikethroughs, checkboxes and checks are as essential to my daily lifestyle as water and sleep. this, however, is the most important list I've ever made, because it how I plan to make decisions. it's how I plan to remember myself when I get too wrapped up in life, how I'll decide what comes next, and how I'll justify all of those idiosyncratic things I do that others often describe as impulsive or vagabond.

this is my lifelist. and though I sometimes get depressed enough that I think I'd rather give up, I commit myself to lists, and therefore will not be able to give up until checks and strikethroughs are properly chicken-scratched all over my life's 3x5 card.

• write something that people will re-read
• write at least one real letter/piece of mail per week
• purchase and use a working typewriter
• invest real time in becoming a more focused artist
• re-learn french, then actually use it
• drink coffee that I truly like on a daily basis
• live near a large body of water
• maintain multiple houseplants
• become a better golfer
• own a sewing machine, make/tailor my own clothes
• meet and hug bill murray
• wear out a pair of birkenstocks
• compost successfully
• fly somewhere at least once a year just for me
• get a tattoo... or two...
• learn to fix a bike (instead of pretending)
• road-trip purposefully through each of the lower 48
• start a non-profit, or two, or more
• get my phd; use it to benefit others through actions, teaching and learning
• become a better swimmer, and maybe less afraid of deep water
• write my own cookbook of gluten-free veg*n recipes
• get married in vegas, or somewhere equally known for spontaneity
• stay connected to people who believe in me and vice versa
• remember to simply listen to other people
• fall in love with the people right in front of me, wherever I am
• make things better...

though that last point seems vague, it's the most important thing I say to myself every fucking day. it is the absolute base for every decision I've made in the last 10 months, for the conversation katie and I had to start our lists, and for all of my future actions. the simple irony of it, too, is that any effort to make things better automatically precludes my giving up on life. afterall, only life will decide when I've made enough things better, n'est-ce pas?