just like burnt cigarettes

I am convinced that I would not have made it through october without coffee. in reading an old national geographic article one sunny august morning - hungover, sitting on mikey's front porch, perfect conditions for craving my caffeinated beverage of choice - I was both relieved and saddened to learn that I am among the caffeine-dependent, and that this physiological reaction is quite normal and even necessary for some people to function at certain levels. yes, without caffeine I would have been slower to move, faster to sleep, and probably quicker to injure myself and others along the way. coffee made me invincible to most of life's little energy drains, acted as a daily treat, and was a welcome friend in my morning routine. I functioned extremely well through the use of coffee throughout october, but I wonder: did I live?

I walk down my street now and think, when did all of these leaves turn colors? when did long sleeves become a must? the answer comes when I realize that I just lost an entire month of my life staring at a computer in a basement office or at customers and money behind a register. thanks to my friend coffee, I could function at these things. thanks to my friend coffee, I kept a smile on my face while doing so. thanks to my friend coffee, I paid my credit card bill, rent, and overdue c-notes quite easily. but alas, coffee is not perfect. my beloved black beverage cannot bring back the month I just lost to working, eating, and sleeping, workingeatingandsleeping.

last week I asked my supervisor at WF if I could reduce my number of shifts per week by one. granted, by WF standards, any amount over 30 hours per week is full-time, and so I continue to have two full-time jobs. I said, "I'm tired;" she said, "I kinda figured you would be by now." it was a simply exchange, but it made me stop and think about what I'd been doing in my everyday life... what I'd been doing to make up for six weeks of sloth, what I'd been doing to re-establish my adult financial status, what I'd been doing to further my future goals.

in looking back at my lifelist, I see my skipped-october as a major literal step forward on one of my goals: I've learned which coffee I like. I brew it everyday, I drink it everyday, I am happy to have found it. regarding the rest of the list, I think I've made small, often latent, steps forward on some of my other points. regardless, I have no choice right now but to accept this, to be glad to have done something to further my list, and to refocus for the rest of the year. and thankfully, I now have another evening a week free to do just that!

(as for the title - just like burnt cigarettes: that's exactly what starbucks coffee tastes like when I brew it at home. tell me, crank, what do you kids do differently in the shop?)