in terms of relationships

to know me is to know my frustration with online-friend-sites. I adore them for the ability to spy on people and to express myself, I abhor them for their impersonal nature and the way they seem to destroy actual interaction. but lately, I really despise them for the way they make you put everything into neat little check-boxes and drop-down menus.

such automatic categories are extremely convenient for those who chose to spy on you. one can immediately read that you are a capricorn who loves kids or a gemini with classic addictions. I guess these options are "leftovers" from the days when online dating sites and online friend sites were more or less the same thing. and while they have their use in ease of comparison of someone's basic information, I think that they leave little allowance for creativity... or truth.

what if, creators of facebook, I'm just dating someone? and what if, as was the case in november, I was dating someone but had a thing for someone else completely? what if I wanted to share that with the world?? how does that fit into your five relationship categories? I mean, why do I still have to remain single... or use the "it's complicated" option, and make it sound like I'm manifesting some kind of drama... when neither is correct?

I have my moments of wanting to get something like that out, of allowing the truth of situations to be known without having to explain myself to someone, of simply checking a box that makes someone understand exactly what's wrong and what I need from them. but the minute I post a true feeling in such a place, I immediately delete it or rephrase it vaguely, because I can't stand the thought of someone knowing me all that well without actually talking to me.

I think that most people want to be known. people want to express themselves, to feel original yet not alone; the popularity of online friend/dating/etc sites proves this. but after a few good conversations with crank and hours of internal debate, I think that such sites, and constantly having 164 'friends,' instantly seeing new information about them, and easily 'knowing' someone so quickly (and without even trying) is creating a serious gap in the way we carry out real relationships. I feel more noticed, less alone, and frankly simply better with the state of my mental health when the majority of my interactions are face-to-face, hand-written, or via real mail - because I know that the other person and I have actually invested more than a few twitches of our right index finger in the moment. and I know that the amount of genuine interest and reciprocity, the amount that someone is present in the moment that we share, that that is what I truly seek in making myself feel better, feel less alone, feel loved.

for that reason, today's blog is dedicated to my current favorite person... crank. thanks for always being present.

and, for that reason, today's blog is also a challenge to me and to all of you: let's do more with each other next year, not just write on each other's walls and in texts that "we should catch up." because you cannot fight loneliness through the internet, no matter what someone tries to sell you (or what hot little apple product you do it with).

***

and yes, it's christmas eve. and yes, I'm at work at wash u (though I was just told, at 1p, that I could go home). and no, I don't get to go to michigan, I won't see my mom and brother on christmas morning for the first time in my life. and yes, I'm crying about that. I may have no sacred space for holidays (not after the year of breaking up with and being broken up with on two major ones), but I do love tradition. and the genuineness of christmas morning chaos with my family.

no matter, because tomorrow I will wake up to my other current favorite person, nick. and between him, crank, and the other people I've actually been interacting with, I can't help but feel exactly as stated above: better. less alone. loved.

happy christmas to me.