passive/aggressive

after years of working with many personality types, and of consciously performing small cognitive-behavioral exercises on myself to ease away from the passive-aggressive style that often invades my familial interaction, I had a realization this morning: I've turned passive.

I could ask myself, "what happened to me? I used to be bold, to fight back." and then I remember: I've never fought back. there is a small recollection in the back of my mind that while I have always been watched to set certain trends and lead in certain roles, I realize now that I have also always allowed bullies to trounce all over my life.

it happened in pre-school, when I got shoved behind a piano by girls who would later intimidate me through the rest of my pre-18 years.

it happened in middle school, when I got tripped in gym class by a friend's boyfriend, because the friend took to hating me that year.

it happened in high school, when two of my best friends decided to pick on me over cheerleading, boys, and anything else they could name.

it happened in college, when my executive vice president thought I had too much control and rallied some of the other vp's with her.

each time I put up with just enough, trying so hard to get them to be nice to me that I would change things about myself or about my actions, to no avail. each time, I hoped that an appeal to them for them to be a decent person would work. each time, in the end, all I did was cry and look for someone else to tell them to stop.

and each time, I thought I learned enough to be able to combat the feeling of being small, of being powerless to stand up to the person who was belittling me. but then it happened again, to my 27-year-old adult self, and I did nothing.

last night, the girl who has a thing for my boyfriend made condescending and snide remarks about me and my relationship, in front of our friends at the bar, and tried to pass it off as her own brand of literal-but-unfunny humor. when I first started dating nick, she took me out of her friends lists on various online sites and immediately stopped talking to me. then she was outwardly cold and rude to my face at work, and chose to bitch about me at the bar to nick's roommate and anyone else who would listen. I said nothing, save a few choice words to crank and to one or two friends who knew the whole story. to her face, I remained just as friendly as ever no matter how curt she was with me.

one sunday, I wasn't in the mood to take that high road. I never called her a name, nor did I become downright rude. I just gave her back what she'd given me. because I didn't feel like being super-sweet anymore, when it felt like I wasn't getting any improvement in return. needless to say, that guilty little innervoice of mine felt awful after each interaction: don't be cold to her! she's just pissed because she can't control this situation, she's frustrated. you won't help the situation by being cold. I told nick about it, as he knew about every frustrating moment up to that point, and we talked through the innervoice and decided that it was right. I went back to being nice to her the next day.

I'm pretty sure, as in most situations, nick went to talk to her as my "someone else" to whom I look to tell the bully to stop - because about two weeks later, she started being nice to my face. I still heard whispers about my name and character being flogged in conversations behind my back, but I didn't care. I can handle that, because it's easier to ignore.

but then last night... oh, it was like she'd finally gotten me in the right situation: a social situation, without nick but with all of our friends, in front of an old friend of hers whom she was obviously trying to impress. and as she kept drinking, as more people started to show up, her comments to me became less veiled but remained rude... until finally, after I'd done my best to ignore her, to move away from her, to make it known to a few of our friends - and to nick, when he finally showed up - that I didn't want to put up with her, after I'd become so frustrated that I regressed to my normal pattern of bully survival behavior (cry and wait for someone else to take care of it)... she called me "princess," and it was over. I was done.

I didn't react, other than a flick of my wrist through the air in her general direction to brush her off. but I did finally leave the bar. and as I was sorting through all of it with nick, and again this morning, I am glad I didn't react any more than I did.

but I'm not proud that I put up with any of it.

I can't go back and change any of the bullying situations from years' past. some have resolved themselves, some have just closed. but this one is still open. I still have to see this girl... and while my boyfriend now knows what a "psychopath" (his word, not mine) this friend of his is, I still have to figure out a healthy way to deal with her. and standing up for myself, calmly but firmly, is the best way I can see out of this situation.

so now I'm off to think of ways I can catch myself being passive, reminders to help me turn assertive and keep my tone level, and things I should be saying instead of having other people say. suggestions and support are always appreciated.

take it back

I can't focus.

I can't focus today, but I couldn't focus yesterday or the day/week/year before that either. I realize that I normally focus in short bursts, but this is just annoying.

on top of this, I feel like I was floating along for a little while, doing good things and doing bad things, and I'm now at this culminating point where the next few decisions I make will tip me one way or the other. the good things have added into me having a delightfully silly, supportive, and comforting group of friends. the bad things have resulted in chronic pain, depression, and a few strained relationships.

I hate the internet.

I am reconsidering my life-list.

I need some hot chocolate.