old year's evolutions

I was in the process of making my super-simple new year's resolutions list, or as I like to call it "master plan v.K27" - ha!, when I realized that I hadn't taken stock of what I'd accomplished in a while. basically I realized this because I was answering an email to a friend and bragging about how proud I was that I'd kept my 2007 resolution (yes, I had one (and no, I never usually even have one)) about 95% of the time.

in case any of you were wondering, and because I only told ansel and maybe three others what that resolution was: I resolved to brush my teeth before bed after nights of heavy drinking. I know, mildy gross, right? but admit it, you get drunk, you barely remember to throw your keys somewhere you'll find them in the morning or grab a glass of water to help ease the coming hangover - I bet you don't remember to brush your teeth either. anyway, I figure that's how my teeth got so bad in college, and I figured that was the best way to combat even more damage was to make a promise to myself. here I am, a year later - probably just holding off the cavaties I already had, but at least I did something about it. and I can say that I did it all year.

I think we forget, with all of the excitement of holidays and family and food and new electronics and... I could go on, to actually review what we've done with our year. to me, if you can remember those things, and be proud of yourself for them, you should be allowed to celebrate those before having to come up with another list of things you "need to improve" about your life. so briefly, before I present my list of new year's resolutions, I give to you my old year's evolutions, and hope that you take a moment to do the same:

• I brushed my teeth.
• I ended a relationship that was bad for both of us.
• I ended a friendship that was bad for both of us (and for other people, too).
• I quit a job without one lined up. and I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I needed to and I fully enjoy my new ones.
• I actually made and kept a few medical appointments!
• I started dressing less like a poor grad student... and more like a rich one.
• I painted things.
• I traveled.
• I stood up for myself and for other people.
• I learned how not to freak out in situations that used to freak me out immensely.
• I moved.
• I started paying all of my bills on time.
• I accessorized.
• I wrote letters and actually called people back!
• I found a few people I'd been missing.
• I made new friends and had new conversations that were more than well-worth-having.
• and most importantly, I started accepting things just as they are. not that I don't want to live by my favorite number on the lifelist and make things better, but I realized that sometimes just by being present, I'm making something better. I don't have to be active constantly, or try so hard, and get so invested; I just have to contribute cleverly and constructively to the world as it is.

yes, 2007 was a good year for this girl and though, during the sad parts, during the frustrating parts, I was ready to be done, the thought of making my life better (paired with the ironic chorus of one of my favorite songs this year, by the mountain goats, "this year"), kept me going. and I think that my personal evolution has been revolutionary.

sigh... a long night of silliness is hopefully ahead... resolutions to come. happy 2008, all.

in terms of relationships

to know me is to know my frustration with online-friend-sites. I adore them for the ability to spy on people and to express myself, I abhor them for their impersonal nature and the way they seem to destroy actual interaction. but lately, I really despise them for the way they make you put everything into neat little check-boxes and drop-down menus.

such automatic categories are extremely convenient for those who chose to spy on you. one can immediately read that you are a capricorn who loves kids or a gemini with classic addictions. I guess these options are "leftovers" from the days when online dating sites and online friend sites were more or less the same thing. and while they have their use in ease of comparison of someone's basic information, I think that they leave little allowance for creativity... or truth.

what if, creators of facebook, I'm just dating someone? and what if, as was the case in november, I was dating someone but had a thing for someone else completely? what if I wanted to share that with the world?? how does that fit into your five relationship categories? I mean, why do I still have to remain single... or use the "it's complicated" option, and make it sound like I'm manifesting some kind of drama... when neither is correct?

I have my moments of wanting to get something like that out, of allowing the truth of situations to be known without having to explain myself to someone, of simply checking a box that makes someone understand exactly what's wrong and what I need from them. but the minute I post a true feeling in such a place, I immediately delete it or rephrase it vaguely, because I can't stand the thought of someone knowing me all that well without actually talking to me.

I think that most people want to be known. people want to express themselves, to feel original yet not alone; the popularity of online friend/dating/etc sites proves this. but after a few good conversations with crank and hours of internal debate, I think that such sites, and constantly having 164 'friends,' instantly seeing new information about them, and easily 'knowing' someone so quickly (and without even trying) is creating a serious gap in the way we carry out real relationships. I feel more noticed, less alone, and frankly simply better with the state of my mental health when the majority of my interactions are face-to-face, hand-written, or via real mail - because I know that the other person and I have actually invested more than a few twitches of our right index finger in the moment. and I know that the amount of genuine interest and reciprocity, the amount that someone is present in the moment that we share, that that is what I truly seek in making myself feel better, feel less alone, feel loved.

for that reason, today's blog is dedicated to my current favorite person... crank. thanks for always being present.

and, for that reason, today's blog is also a challenge to me and to all of you: let's do more with each other next year, not just write on each other's walls and in texts that "we should catch up." because you cannot fight loneliness through the internet, no matter what someone tries to sell you (or what hot little apple product you do it with).

***

and yes, it's christmas eve. and yes, I'm at work at wash u (though I was just told, at 1p, that I could go home). and no, I don't get to go to michigan, I won't see my mom and brother on christmas morning for the first time in my life. and yes, I'm crying about that. I may have no sacred space for holidays (not after the year of breaking up with and being broken up with on two major ones), but I do love tradition. and the genuineness of christmas morning chaos with my family.

no matter, because tomorrow I will wake up to my other current favorite person, nick. and between him, crank, and the other people I've actually been interacting with, I can't help but feel exactly as stated above: better. less alone. loved.

happy christmas to me.

blocked

the problem with creating a blog and telling people about it, and with having access to a computer everyday, is that there is then the expectation for you to write something once in a while. this is not an easy task.

it is easy for me to write when I finally... just write. do I feel bad when there is no point to what I'm saying? yes, which makes me not want to just write. in fact, I usually look down upon people who post blogs or bulletins or comments that have absolutely no point whatsoever except to alleviate their own boredom. so when I "just write," I have a tendency to edit and save until I have a point; then I can publish or post without fear that someone will look down on me the way I do on their ridiculous pontifications regarding nothing.

I know myself, I know my patterns. I know that when I am too busy, when I am giving all of my attention to something else completely, I allow myself to be content with doing nothing in other areas of life. this is not uncommon. in fact, I think it's fairly universally known that once something goes X way, something else in your life is bound to go Y way. it's life's more-equal and more-consistent version of checks & balances.

I digress.

knowing my patterns, and knowing the events of the five weeks I've been through since my last post, it is perfectly clear to me why I haven't written anything: I don't have time to edit my writing when I'm too busy editing the sad parts of my life.

I am grateful to you, dear readers and friends, for listening to my silence, and understanding its meaning as no reflection on my feelings for you or for writing but on my general state of mind, and for filling the space with more of your presence in my life.