my rainy disposition

though the many other st louisans are currently complaining about the month-long downpour we've been experiencing, I am not. I like the rain, even if it is a bit out of the norm and even though it's forcing the trees to drop their leaves before I've visually witnessed the full glory of fall. I mention this simply because I wouldn't want you to think that this post has anything to do with the weather.

***

the way I see it, a person generally has one of two statements running through the back of their head at all times. both statements are usually said with some degree of disbelief and can be adjusted - through the inflection and intonation of one's internal monologue - to reflect exactly how they feel. these statments become the audible expression of one's mood, reflecting that person's true attitude toward a situation, and I think that they do a much better job of revealing one's general disposition than any half-empty or half-full glass ever will.

these statements are:
1. this is my life.
2. this is not my life.

it is my current opinion that a person uses the same statement - one or the other above - to describe every situation. they just happen to change their expression of it to match what's going on in their head. and it sounds simple, but generally, the inclusion or exclusion of that commonplace three-letter-word is the deciding factor between one having a pessimistic or an optimistic view on life.

I bring this up because last night I realized that, after years of pretending to be an optimist, trying to emulate that kind of disposition and the likable traits that go along with it, my general disposition is one of pessimism. that three-letter-word is always present, even in those moments when I've been truly happy about something. my tone just vacillates between one of elated disbelief instead of defeated disbelief (or just defeat).

it's just ironic that it has taken me this long to admit it. afterall, I write a blog "dedicated to finding the good in everything." and I write posts wherein I seek an uplifting ending. if that doesn't scream 'fighting a natural pessimistic streak,' I don't know what else does.

the social scientist in me wonders if pretending to be optimistic is a social coping mechanism akin to people emulating extroverts. hmm...