strange steps

I realize that I have a bit of a roundabout style... that I realize has affected where I am in life at the moment.

correction: I have a roundabout style of talking and writing. I have a straightforward style of doing, at least when it comes to doing things that I know need to happen and want to happen.

clarification: I think that 'straightforward' is commonly used with the idea that not only does one make something happen in a continuous forward motion, but that one does so quickly. no definition I could find of the word states this latter assumption, so I reject that implication for the use of this blog... and for the rest of my life.

let me explain:

psychology today, by far one of my favorite magazines out there, came out with a cover story about 9 or 10 months ago about people who move continuously forward throughout their lives only to end up in random, unexpected places. specifically for the case of this article, they ended up in random careers. the best example I can remember is the woman who did office work for years only to go back to medical school in her late thirties.

I remember reading that article and thinking, why not?

correction: why not me?

clarification: not two years ago, I wouldn't have dared to think that thought.

I finished college and grad school in my early twenties because I thought it was what I had to do. sure, it's what I wanted to do, but I also didn't want to be that 30-something in class. I despised those people. so I simply had to be the one of median age, then to be the young one (I was the third-youngest MSW grad in ASU's Class of 2005...). it made me feel better about how much I'd already achieved, and like I had a path that I was on...

correction: it made me feel like I was on a path and the people who were older than me weren't.

clarification: I know the day my life when went off-path. 13 august 2005. the day after leadership conference ended, and I decided continue my summer and stay at miniwanca for the fall. that decision was nowhere to be found in the best-laid-plans.

but like I said, not two years ago would I have admitted that was the moment. I knew what came next: job, two years of it. apply to UW in the meantime. get my PhD. teach social work. make things better.

it wasn't until about two years ago, when I was out of work in a field I realized I didn't really like anymore, just before I started this blog, that I realized that my path actually follows me, instead of the other way around.

correction: I still like social work, and did then, though I wouldn't admit it.

clarification: I'm still not convinced that it's being done the way it should be, on both micro or macro levels. I'll work on that... eventually.

my path, which has been the subject of quite a few posts here, is something I found myself thinking about this morning... as I sat on this awful bus ride that took entirely longer than it should have. I reflected on the fact that I am allowing myself to take more chances than I used to, at least in terms of things that I do.

for example: I wouldn't take an art class in college for fear of not being as good as the rest of the class. I took social work because I already knew I was good at it. but I was and still remain as curious and hungry as ever for art - for architecture, for illustration, for jewelrymaking, for design! - and I'm only lately allowing that to come forward.

correction: I was always the artsy one in college, I just thought it more a hidden talent than an outward expression. I started allowing those tendencies to be expressed during a particularly bleak summer, the one after the off-path moment started.

clarification: I am grateful for the off-path moment... or at least, the thought thereof... and for all that has followed.

I think the point is that I have been, whether I thought to acknowledge it earlier than today or not, on a straightforward path my entire life. one that has lead me to this very moment right here... and to the one on the bus this morning that made me want to get on with my life in the way I always pictured... when I was drawing things on paper plates as a kid.

the explanation ends with this: I think the strangest steps, the ones that others might see as roundabout but are actually full of purpose and quite straightforward in nature, are the key to a path most enjoyed.