back to the future

in the last twenty four hours, I've had two different people rightfully accuse me of slacking in life as a whole.

at first it was just a conversation about how I could ever be okay for settling on a life course that's safe. and then it was the mention of an interpersonal holding pattern I've been in for a while.

my response as of right now is: somewhere I confused inflexible and immobile safety with good, solid, rightfully cautious but ever-bold judgment. the latter is something that I am apt to exhibit. the former is something I never saw myself as. and the holding pattern can only be explained by the falling back on safety as an excuse, and allowing that safe feeling to shelter me where I stand.

to be fair, I needed a moment to regroup... to figure out life after I'd completed my best laid plans that trailed off into that 25 year span of "be an adult" (that part's somewhere between "graduate" and "retire" for most people, in case you were wondering.), and to heal after my first few attempts at my "be an adult" plan kind of fizzled. but while I am a firm believer in needing time to slow down and reflect, I know I took it a little too far. I became complacent, and consequently crabby with myself over my complacency, and even crabbier over the fact that I cannot seem to push myself to counteract it.

I'm pretty much through with being on hold in my safe spot, though.

ironically, I'm a person who believes steadily that things happen in patterns of three. usually I'm left wondering what the third sign in the pattern will be, and what the whole pattern will mean. this time, I'm waiting for it... because I can already guess what it will mean. it's almost like I'm waiting for the universe's permission to get on with it. so...

...I guess it's time I realized that the lifelist that started this blog may no longer be in use, but the steady fire within me that lit such a thing into being is still very much alive.