radiation therapy

I know I haven't posted in a while. but you'll see why... oh, you'll see...

today I wonder how much of what I'm feeling, how much of the apathy and unhappiness I push out through ass-kissing emails and teeth-grinding smiles actually radiates through my computer screen or from behind my counters at work. how much of it gets to my bosses (one in particular), my co-workers, and my customers? can the people around me tell that I hate my job (again, one more than the other)?

part of me hopes they can. the part that is through subliminally pleading with them to care about something other than themselves and their agendas.

the other part of me wants to stop grinding my teeth and find a job that makes me actually smile. something I can do that doesn't have to be justified with an org chart and a half-hour explanation when I tell people what I do. something that doesn't make me want to show up late everyday, or something that doesn't give me angry outbursts as I'm driving to work. something that doesn't lead me to blog about it in the middle of the day, or worse, look for a new job while I'm still sitting at the old one.

the other part of me is hopeful. and the other part of me has set a date.

no matter how I'm doing at the end of this calendar year, it will be better than right now because I will be doing something different by the end of january. even though I might want to relax a bit and visit the dentist before I go.