just another manic month

I was all set to write a new blog... another new 'universal realization' about having friends as an adult... inspired by a recent depressive streak I've developed around my social life and a good conversation with crank. and then I realized that I need to just pay attention to the chaos going on around me right now, more than I need to lament something that I can somewhat control.

I feel like I've spent the last week of my life on some kind of high-alert for damage control. so I'm floating the question, "what's with today, today?," out to the rest of you, and then I'm going to rant about some of the chaos that has been presenting itself in my life lately. here goes:

I feel like I'm drinking entirely too much, just to prove to myself that I'm not going to throw up whatever I'm drinking. I just lived through two weeks with an mild fever, recurring migraines, and a case of nausea that wouldn't subsist - especially when I would drink any kind of gluten-free alcohol. which, of course, means that I developed a minor paranoia around the possibility that maybe I'm not meant to digest sorghum or rice either. but this week, in some championship-style moves involving bar-hopping and softball, I've made some pretty good progress in my apparent new-found quest to binge-drink my summer away...

...and I've also run my mouth a little too hard in a few scattered directions during these binges. but that's another story altogether.

the small social life that I do have is kind of blowing up around me. I don't see my old friends enough, and I think I sometimes see my "new" friends too much. both sets are experiencing their own patches of turbulence. people are getting fired from whole foods, people are fighting and getting injured, people are getting burnt by people they used to enjoy. not much of this social drama involves me directly. but I'm taking it all entirely too personally, allowing myself to become a sounding board or to absorb some of their feelings in order to help. and it's causing me so much stress that I find myself either shutting down or taking it out on myself with bad behavior directed at my liver, my brain, or my boyfriend.

and my family, who I'd hoped would enjoy the michigan summer in my place, are instead spending their summer mediating fights and making tough decisions. being at the other end of the phone on some of these hours-long rants about houses, money, relatives, and pets is tough, and I am exhausted at the end of these calls. I cannot comprehend what they're going through, and sometimes lack the empathy to try.

grumble.

I have been instructed by jim to "stop answering my phone." we all know that I hardly ever answer my phone, but I get his point: stop allowing myself to be that sounding board. but I think my good friend (and self-proclaimed personal life coach), tim, said it better when he told me to "always look on the bright side of life" and focus more of my attention in that direction, instead of on other people.

I can't promise anything, boys, but I'll try.