imperfect timing

M thinks Kerrie's priorities are out of whack, is how a friend's status update on facebook read yesterday. I'd previously put up a status about hoping that the detroit tigers would beat the st louis cardinals in that day's game, and this was his st-louisan-turned-new-yorker response.

thanks to the 'convenience' of facebook's ability to oversaturate its users with updates on other people's information, I saw his update as soon as I signed in. I will refrain from a rant based on the "news feed" and "mini-feed" at the present time. instead, I will focus on the fact that I was hit fairly hard by his comment for two reasons:

one.
M isn't really a friend. in fact, he's someone I stopped talking to abruptly after I figured out that he'd broken my heart practically on purpose eight years ago. he just found me on facebook, and already I find myself sucked into a pattern that I've been sucked into by three other people before: a jumble of minor unresolved feelings and sympathy mixed with the hope that maybe I can right this situation through forgiveness and casual conversation. I've already got one of those in real life in st louis, and I resent taking it on. why do I need another - one that is clearly unfolding in a predictable manner - via the internet?

two.
my priorities truly are currently out of whack. I work two jobs because I don't get enough satisfaction out of either to justify working just one or the other. I spend money without regard to actual finances or future situations. I have a vague goal on the one end of my life, and plenty of little ones in between here and there, but I am doing nothing truly productive on any of those things. I love watching fry roll in the grass though it's like mentally pulling teeth to want to come home to let him out. I bemoan internally about the amount and kind of attention I get from certain people in my life, yet when they give it, I push them away. and finally, as stated above, I take on old friends and situations when I know they're just a psychic trap!

but how is it that he ends up being the one to point this out? granted, it was a completely unrelated and off-hand remark, but why him and why now?

the inside of my head feels a lot like my apartment right now: disheveled messes that get cleaned up on a whim, or a little at a time, but never enough to make a true impact. on one hand, I like the chaos of it and what it all really is, but on the other hand, I'd kind of like to pack a bag, get in my car, and go somewhere else to start clean.

I mean, really, figuring out the former would exponentially help me resolve the latter, but it's making myself do both of these things - on and with purpose! - that's apparently so hard lately.