gathering moss

I think I got too used to academic years. I think that my internal clock has been so aligned with the coming and going of the scholastic seasons that I find myself in a state of panic once something outlasts those seasons.

for example: I've grown tired of my last three post-graduate jobs around the six month mark, and have been ready to quit (or have quit, in one case) all of them at the eight month mark. I know, I know - the traditional scholastic year is nine-ish months long. but I know I'm not the only one who, sometime in the middle of that bleak month of february (the sixth month), always took a look at the calendar and waged such an internal war:

if I quit doing homework now, I'll fail out of this year. which will be nice, because then I can start summer vacation early! ...but will also suck, because then I'm going to have to wait tables for more hours per week, or find another part-time job, and my family will be disappointed in me, and my friends will move on without me... and worst of all, I'll have to take (insert stupid business class I never used anyway) with (insert asshole teacher's name here) again next year... as a sophomore instead of a junior!

so, I would tell myself I could cut it for another couple of months. I would suck it up, keep doing most of my homework, and basically wait out the rest of the year in depressed anticipation of whatever ridiculous adventures I had planned for the summer.

my seemingly recurring problem in being an adult is that there isn't a particular ending point in sight. I have these jobs until I choose to leave them, or until I choose to fuck them up badly enough that someone tells me to leave (hopefully more often the former than the latter). I mean, at least at camp different seasons meant different programs and slightly different mindsets. but without actual markers to "divide" my time, without semester breaks, I'm having trouble marking endings and beginnings with any kind of mental relaxation or excitement.

maybe it is so much easier for someone, like me, who is used to floating through experiences, and therefore attachments to friendships, working situations, relationships, etc, with an air of disposability, to get used to a lifestyle where familiar people and places come and go so quickly. where my interactions are not prolonged. where I join a social group for a while and never have to maintain it for longer than the calendar tells me. maybe I'm still not used to working at 830 every morning in an office where the lighting and air conditioning continue to screw with my seasonal affective tendencies. and where I plan things according to fiscal and academic calendars, but see no real benefits of working by either.

I don't know. lately, I feel like all I do is go to my day job, walk my dog, then either go to my night job or wait for my boyfriend or friends to get out of work, do something silly (or not), and go to bed... only to wake up too tired to want to do it all again. and while there are programmatic and calendar milestones to be met - like upcoming weddings, research department events, the new WFM store opening, moving into a new place (eventually), etc - I just feel like I'm missing out on the fun that is everyday life... like I'm finally gathering moss in a place I really like, surrounded by people I enjoy... but I'm still wondering if anyone will notice when I roll away.