the same way all over again

I'm kinda lonely lately.

the kind of lonely I remember from walking around by myself in tempe. the kind that used to feel like I couldn't get out of the city, but didn't really want to; couldn't really find a place to hide, but instead found too many. the kind that caused me to wander around gentle strength for entirely too long, to walk home from the library at midnight, or to ride the bus just so I could get some reading done. in other words, it's the kind of lonely where I want to be alone, but be out in the world alone.

and I don't know how to do that in st louis. I just haven't figured out where to wander yet.

it's cyclical, this feeling of wanting to be alone or to be unknown, but not be completely cut off. because in a few days, I'll be lonely in the way that makes me want to go out with friends all of the time, like I have been for the last few weeks. but today, the only contact I want is with a movie screen, a good view over a body of water, or a slight smile on the street as I walk.

maybe I'll just turn my phone off for a few days. and stop checking my email. just take time off from all of it.