no possessions

my grandma, the subject of an early january post, passed two days ago.

my mom called to tell me while I was cashiering. I knew the call was coming, but that didn't make it any less of an awkward moment. I honestly didn't think it would come when it did... but I also gave her the number to whole foods because I didn't want it left as a voicemail on my phone. I blew my nose in the bathroom, checked out one more order, and was sent home. and I was grateful, because no one wants to be the puffy-eyed check-out girl...

the thing is, my entire family knew that call was coming. today, however, I'm just shocked at how some of us have prepared to deal with it, and how some of us are dealing with it.

I am twenty-seven. this weekend will be my first real funeral. I will sit next to my mom and brother, I will not understand half of the service due to it being said in latvian. I will tune out of the rest of it as I sit and think about how awful some members of my family are choosing to behave about certain possessions of my grandmother's - and how they are "supposed" to be divided, sold, or thrown away.

my heart and my brain hurt when I think: is that all it comes to in the end? is that all she will be remembered with or for? with jewelry, couches, pictures, and vases, all given priority because of some possessive value? does the value of her life, as she lived it, and its contributions to the world show through these things? or will it just be up to us to remember that?

needless to say, I don't want to go home this weekend. but I will, I will.