laying down and taking it

last night, while fending off allergies and a sense of claustrophobia during my night shift at WF, I had the misfortune of being told to take over cashiering at the express lane. the express lane faces a wall and is notorious for constant lines and impatient customers on their cell phones seeking change for $100 bills on $14 orders. in short, it's almost a new cashier's nightmare; is it not the environment to put me at my best while working. but I kept working with a smile, hoping for the best, or that one of the cute boys from grocery would slide past and give me a laugh. mid-way through my shift, I rang up a male in his mid-thirties. and after my interaction with this man, all I wanted to do was avoid eye contact and conversation with anyone I didn't know personally for the rest of the night.

this particular gentleman seemed harmless; "normal" looking, quiet, no strange purchases, no odd questions or demands. I told him his total, which I will never forget, and as I wait for him to swipe the credit card he is holding above the counter, he looks directly at me and says, "how would you like it tonight?"

I think, are you kidding? you're holding a credit card, it's a grocery store, you just pay however you can and get out! I say, with restained enthusiasm, "however you'd like to give it to me..." I immediately realize what I've said and sickly regret every syllable.

maybe he won't think what I just thought. maybe he won't even think to take it that way. maybe I'll have a laugh in my head about the childish humor of that statement. maybe he'll just swipe his card and leave.

"oh, ha, um... you know... I mean... in another time, or another situation... that could be... well that would be fun... I mean, it's not like I wouldn't take you up on that offer..."

oh, god, he noticed, oh god, please let this conversation be over. just leave, you fucking creep. avoid eye contact. focus on screen. why won't this fucking thing print any fucking faster. "hit that green button one more time for me, sir." stop fucking smiling at me. look at anything but him. don't pay attention to what he's saying, anything but that.

he's still talking, something about being lonely in his office, he's an engineer, he makes a lot of money, he'd show me a good time, he'd rock my world. hide. just hide. just walk away. find someone, grab someone, please let someone come over and save me, please please please. "I mean, what good is making a hundred thousand a year if you can't have a little fun with it?"

the entire interaction took place over twenty seconds or so. it was quick and awful, but the more awful it became, the longer it seemed to take. I don't even know if I said good-bye to him, thanked him, or wished him well. he didn't deserve it, but I would have done it regardless, and maybe I did subconsciously, but on the inside I was speechless. disgusted and speechless.

it is a well-known fact that I am flirtatious. I have a big smile, wide eyes, and a charming tone. I do not flirt outright with any customer, but I do try to charm them, which can be quite disarming to most people who come through my line. I am generally excited to be making small talk with anyone I encounter, because I figure I might as well entertain myself while I'm there and making other people feel good about purchasing high-priced natural groceries is what I get paid to do. but I do not deserve any such comments, any such set-ups, any such innuendos... such harassment... no matter what I said, no matter what I dressed like, no matter how I smiled.

I'm sure there was an entirely appropriate response for such a situation. something simple, something to put him in his place without embarassing either of us. but I couldn't think straight enough, fast enough, to come up with that response when he was around. in fact, it took me until this morning to figure out that this interaction was the sole reason I had a bad night at work last night. once I finally figured it out, I spoke with a few people, including one of my team leaders, and mapped out exactly what I could do the next time something like this happened.

the reason I'm not proud of myself is this: I forgot to stand up for myself. and what am I about if I'm not standing up for someone or something else? I could recognize the situation as being 'wrong' as it was happening, and I think had I been witnessing this conversation instead of a player in it, I would have known what to do and might have been able to do something about it. I know I've had other similar situations happen to me over the last few years, but I feel like I hadn't learned the sum of all of them until last night.

so, I am not proud of myself today. but I will be in the future. slowly, I know that I will develop the quick-thinking necessary in situations like this one, the quick-thinking I already have for identifying these wrongs when they happen to others, and stand up for myself in the way that I know I should.